I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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