I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
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Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
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Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.