My friends, they love my intelligence
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.