I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Randomize
