it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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