ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
Come see our sink grown plant.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
