Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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