I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
