He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
