Welp...herpes.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
