Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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