Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
