I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
there is glitter all over my balls
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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