you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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