I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
