that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
