I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Sorry about my life...
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
