i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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