i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
