Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
