based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
