I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
