Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
