So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
