k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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