It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
