so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Randomize
