if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
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