if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
