I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Randomize
