you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
