Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
