Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
