I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
