I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Randomize
