i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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