Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
