Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
