This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
