I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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