and you said cock pushups were impossible
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
