KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
