I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
