Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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