I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize
