Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
