Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
