Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Randomize
