Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
