Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Randomize
