I cockslap morals
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
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