put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
