You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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