she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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