you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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