Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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