Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
