Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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